When You're Gone
by FrostyFingers
Summary: Spoilers for Mr. Solomon: Conclusion - He had never felt so helpless, so utterly useless as he did in that moment. This was Lizzie, his Lizzie, dying in front of him and it was all his fault.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Heya! I'm back from the dead (which actually seems to be true this time - really not fond of car crashes, I can tell ya). Anyway, while on vacation in the US, I found some time to write a new fic (this one is actually completed for once). Spader was killing me with his facial expression and so this happened. Special thanks to my beta, greeneyesandgoldenlashes!

 **Disclaimer:** All tears were mine but I don't own anything else.

 **Chapter 1**

"Don't go, Lizzie. Please don't go," he begged, a thick lump in his throat as he watched the young woman in front of him fighting for her life.

He had never felt so helpless, so utterly useless as he did in that moment. This was Lizzie, his Lizzie, dying in front of him and it was all his fault. He knew it, had known it even before Kate had told him so after he had tried blaming it on Dembe. His long time friend had been far more forgiving and understanding than the elderly woman. He didn't deserve forgiveness, not one shred of it.

This beautiful young woman was dying and there was nothing he could do but watch.

"Please don't go, sweetheart. I'm begging you. Don't go."

Nik was working furiously on keeping her alive, until he suddenly wasn't anymore. Red watched with wide eyes as the younger man stepped away from the stretcher.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

"No," Red breathed. "Lizzie, no!" He stood then, cupping her face in both hands as if to rouse her from her slumber. "Lizzie! Do something, damn it!" He shouted at the man.

The doctor let his head hang and sat down. "I'm so sorry," he repeated. "She's gone."

He was shaking badly, his fingers twitching against her pale cheeks. "Wake up for me, Lizzie. Please wake up. Don't go."

His attempts were fruitless however. She wouldn't wake up. He would never get to see her beautiful eyes again, would never hear her voice. The way she said his name. She had called him Raymond back at the makeshift hospital. It had sounded so sweet dropping from her lips. She had said his name and told him that-

Had she really told him that she loved him?

It had been the last time she had spoken out loud. Her last words had been that she loved him.

How dare she leave now! He hadn't even had the chance to respond before she had drifted off. Anger shot through his veins. How dare she?!

"Elizabeth!" He wanted to shout at her, make her wake up. Yell at her that she didn't get to confess such things and then leave him. But even before his anger could take full control, he felt this unbelievable sadness in his chest. The sudden emptiness inside was tearing him apart.

Clutching her limp hand in his, he heavily sat down at her side. "Oh, Lizzie..." He raised her hand and flattened her palm against his cheek, holding it tightly against his skin, his hot tears catching on her fingers. He nuzzled his face against her hand, wishing more than anything that she would wake up.

It didn't matter if she yelled at him, despised him even, he just needed her to wake up again. This woman was everything, without her he was nothing, without her there was no reason to keep on living. He had told her that, many long months ago.

 _'What are they gonna do to me that hasn't been done before? Kill me? Nothing is worse than losing you.'_

Back then he hadn't known just how true these words would be.

He had lost her. For good. And it hadn't even been by choice. She had been roughly taken from him. If it had only been her choice to go away, somewhere where he wouldn't interfere with her life, then he would at least know she was safe. But that wasn't the case.

She was dead.

Elizabeth Keen. His Lizzie. The woman he loved more than anything. She was dead.

 **LizzingtonLizzingtonLizzington**

When the door of the van was opened, he didn't even look up. He didn't even care who it might be, nothing mattered anymore.

He heard someone speaking, heard Nik reply something, but he wasn't listening. All he could do was nuzzle her hand, feel the softness of her palm against his cheek.

The back door was opened and Kate and Ressler stood there.

"Raymond, you need to leave. The police are here," the woman told him,

He couldn't move. He felt physically unable to leave her side, as he kept rubbing his cheek against her hand. Lizzie. His Lizzie.

He didn't know how long it took him to even manage to stand up, gently putting her hand down. He leaned in close and pressed his lips against her forehead for a long time, inhaling her sweet scent. Oh, how he missed her. It was tearing him apart. He placed another kiss to her eyebrow, unable to pull away just yet. Moving his lips further down, he softly kissed her closed eyelid, his nose brushing against her skin. With a last long press of his lips against her, he pulled himself away, his heart splitting in two.

'I love you,' he thought.

Somehow he managed to leave her side, telling Kaplan that he didn't want herin some morgue, as Ressler put a jacket over his shoulders. He was led to a car, where Dembe was standing, opening the door for him. He felt his knees buckle before he could step inside and if not for his long time friend, he would have ended up on the pavement, not that it would have mattered.

He was heaved into the vehicle and the door shut behind him, but nothing really registered as only one thing was on his mind.

Lizzie.

They went back to the makeshift hospital. Back to where Tom was waiting with the baby. The younger man knew immediately that the news wasn't good, probably from the look on Red's face.

As the little bundled up girl was placed into his arms, he managed to suppress the empty feeling inside. The baby looked just like her mother, her bright eyes on Red's face, as she took hold of his finger. She was beautiful. And apparently named after Sam's mother. Only Lizzie. He knew immediately that the need to protect her daughter was unhealthy, probably unwanted as well, but he couldn't help himself. He needed to do this, needed to do anything and everything to accomplish what he had failed with his precious Lizzie.

He loved little Agnes already.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Red was a mess. He knew it, there was no need to look into Dembe's worried eyes to get confirmation. He was hurting and the pain was taking his breath away. He couldn't eat or sleep, all he did was drink and drink until either the bottle of scotch was empty or he was slipping into oblivion, whichever came first. The worst thing wasn't the hangover; it was the nightmares. They became the reason he ultimately avoided sleep altogether.

All he could see was her lifeless body in that awful van. Sometimes she was just lying there, feigning sleep, but most of the time she was staring up at him. Her eyes wide with fear as she begged him to not kill her. In his dreams he was crying, telling her that he would never hurt her, pleading with her to stop saying such things, to just hold on, to breathe and stay with him.

 _'Please, don't leave me.'_

Lizzie would yell at him, telling him that he was responsible and all he could do was cry and agree.

When he woke up it would be because he was screaming so loudly. He would barely make it to the bathroom in time, dropping to his knees to puke the contents of his empty stomach into the ceramic bowl. His shirt would cling to his skin, soaked with sweat.

He missed her so much. She was his whole life and now she was gone.

He hadn't seen baby Agnes since the day he had first held her. It wasn't because of Tom, the coward had left, babbling about how he couldn't do any of it, saying he trusted Red to keep the child safe. But Red didn't trust himself. He had failed Lizzie once, despite all his promises.

 _'You have me and I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.'_

He wouldn't fail her again. She had been right, he was a danger to her daughter and he owed her that much. So he had told Mr. Kaplan to make sure the baby was safe and sound, not wanting for anything. He didn't want updates or photos though, it just hurt too much.

Instead, Red went back to being a ruthless criminal, a killer. He went on rampages trying to kill everyone that had been involved in taking his Lizzie from him. He didn't tell anyone where he was going, not even taking Baz or Dembe with him. It didn't matter, nothing mattered anymore. These men just needed to die the most painful death and he didn't want to risk his friends getting hurt in the carnage.

It wasn't until he was lying on the floor bleeding from a gunshot wound to the stomach, that he watched his long time friend's hands desperately trying to stop the blood from oozing out of his body.

He hoped he had gotten every single one of them. His last thought was about Lizzie. How beautiful she had looked as they danced at the Syrian embassy. The way her hair had smelled of peaches when she had come to him, crying against his chest after finding out about Tom. How he had told her about the North Star and her being his way home. He thought about the moment she had stepped out of jail and run straight into his arms. How her last words had been, _"Raymond, I do love..."_

And then there was nothing.

"You are an idiot, Raymond," was the first thing he heard, when his eyes flickered open.

"Dembe, I agree with you, but give him a moment before tearing him a new one." A bright light was shone into his eyes and he flinched away with a groan. "Can you hear me?" He nodded slowly. "How are you feeling, dearie?"

Dead inside. "Like I was shot," he rasped out.

"How could you have been so reckless, Raymond?!" Dembe's voice sounded angry. "What were you thinking?!"

"I don't believe I asked for your opinion," Red sneered,

The tall man stepped closer to him. "You are being selfish! You could have died. You would have died if we had not found you! And for what? For nothing!"

He sat up, ignoring the way pain shot through his body. "This is not for nothing! How can you even suggest that?!"

"Boys," Mr. Kaplan tried to intervene, but they weren't listening.

"How would your dying help anyone now? It will not bring Elizabeth back!"

"You're out of line! How dare you speak about her like that?!"

"You cannot even say her name!"

"Get out."

Dembe turned on his feet and walked towards the door. "You are not the only one who cares."

Red sighed heavily, regret flooding him, as he watched the younger man open the door. "Dembe."

"Leave him be, dearie. He'll cool down eventually." Kaplan helped him lie down again, quickly looking over the wound to check if any stitches were pulled. "He has a point though. You're being stupid, Raymond,"

"I know... It's just... she was everything," his voice broke on that one word and Kaplan had to look away, unable to watch the pain on his face.

"It will get better," she promised, squeezing his hand. "Until then, take it a little easier."

At first it had been normal. He had been shot after all, but now that he had recovered, Red didn't want to leave the house anyway. He barely cracked a window. All he did was sit in his chair and look at the wall.

Dembe and he weren't really on speaking terms, as Red was isolating himself and the younger man was still furious.

Kate had tried coaxing him to step outside, telling him that the sound of the ocean would calm him down, but he had barely acknowledged her. Had he replied it would've been something along the lines of drowning himself in said ocean.

"This stops now. You're going for a walk."

"Leave me alone," he replied.

The short woman grabbed his arm and roughly pulled him up. "Go outside."

"I said leave me alone!" He hissed.

Letting go of him, she shook her head. "Go outside, Raymond." Then she left, closing the door behind her.

Risking a glance out of the window, Red could see that it was bright outside. He didn't feel like brightness. The only sunshine in his life was gone. There was only darkness and death.

With a sigh he put down the tumbler of scotch and made his way to the door and opened it. The fresh air hit his nostrils and he took a deep breath. He hadn't been outside in weeks. There was a slight breeze that blew the scent of the ocean towards him and slowly Red took the first steps onto the beach. The sun was warm against his skin, but it didn't warm his insides.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

He hadn't even walked for longer than two minutes, when he stopped in his tracks. Not again. Wasn't it enough that he had nightmares about her? Did he have to have visions during the day now as well? He closed his eyes tightly, willing his mind to stop punishing him.

"Raymond."

Her voice made his eyes snap open. She was still there, a wobbly smile on her lips, tears in her blue orbs.

"Lizzie..."

He looked horrible. He must have lost at least twenty pounds. His shirt, a plain white one, was hanging loosely off his shoulders. It was stained slightly, as were the jeans he was wearing. He had dark circles under his bloodshot eyes and he hadn't shaved in at least three days.

His lack of reaction was confusing. He was looking at her like she wasn't real, so she stepped closer, trying not to startle him.

"Raymond," she tried again, but he didn't move. "Please don't be mad." She slowly reached out and touched his cheek.

An inhuman sound tore from his throat and she found herself wrapped in his arms, tightly pressed against his chest. For a moment she was surprised, but then she heard and felt him crying into her shoulder.

 _Crying_.

Raymond Reddington was crying. Because of her. Because he had believed she was dead.

Her own arms came around him as she soothingly stroked over his back, making shushing noises. His knees buckled beneath him and Liz could barely manage them both gently sinking to the ground as he didn't let go of her.

"It's okay," she found herself saying. "It's alright. Shhh, you need to breathe for me."

Tremors wrecked his body and she placed a kiss to the side of his head, tightening her arms around him.

"Lizzie," he sobbed.

And it was then that she understood how deeply his feelings for her ran. "I'm here. I'm here and I won't leave." She placed another kiss against his temple and felt him deeply inhaling her scent.

Pulling back slightly, she heard him make a sound of protest, but she ignored it and instead cupped his cheeks in her hands, using her thumbs to wipe away the wetness there. "I know you must have a lot of questions, but let's get you inside first. You're ice cold already. Why aren't you wearing a jacket? You look horrible. Have you slept?" He wasn't responding to her questions, as his eyes never left hers. "And honestly? You stink." She bit her lips as if her words might hurt him. "Come on."

He made a devastated sound when she made to stand up and tightened his hands on her body.

"Let's go inside, okay? We'll get you showered and into bed. Feeding you can wait for a couple of hours, mhm?" She took his hand from her waist and squeezed his fingers, not letting go as she stood. "Come now. It's getting cold."

He was mute as he dutifully followed her back to the house, his eyes not drifting from her form once. She would look back at him every now and then, shooting him a smile and he watched her wiping away a tear or two.

Inside she was pulling him towards the stairs as they ran into Dembe.

"Elizabeth," the young man said in astonishment.

"Hey, Dembe," she greeted with a smile, before he pulled her into a quick hug, mindful of Red's hand in hers.

"It is so good to see you."

"It's good to see you, too. We'll do story time later, okay? For now I need to get this one into bed." She raised their joined hands in the air.

Dembe laughed and then tightly hugged his long time friend. "I am happy for you, Raymond." He could only hug back, still unsure of what just happened. "Good luck taking care of him though, he has been a pain lately."

"More so than usual?" Liz shot back and then tugged at Red's hand. "Come on, troublemaker."

They made it towards his bedroom with little trouble and Liz pushed him into the bathroom. "I want you to shower first. You'll feel better afterwards."

"Lizzie..."

"And then you're gonna get some shut eye."

"No," responded immediately. At least it was something different than her name.

She raised his hand to her face and kissed his knuckles softly. "First things first. Go shower. I'll wait right here." He swallowed hard and tightened his grip on her fingers. "We can leave the door open and I can tell you a story for once. Come on, move." Without asking, she opened one of his drawers and took out a clean t-shirt and some sweat pants, before pressing them against his chest.

As promised, she left the door open; it had taken a moment longer to get him to move though it, and Liz had talked about how she had belted the first boy who had try to kiss her, right in the mouth.

When he emerged, he already looked slightly better, his skin not as ashen. He smelled a lot better too.

Needing further reassurance, he hesitantly reached out and took her hand in his.

"I'm not used to this quiet you," she told him, her heart aching for him. "Let's get some rest."

He shook his head vehemently. "I can't," he finally said.

"Why not?"

His bottom lip started quivering again. "If I wake up and you're not there... Lizzie..."

She hugged him tightly. "I promise you I'll be here. I won't leave. You know what? I could use some rest too. What do you say we take a nap together?" Not waiting for an answer, she went back to his drawer. "Do you mind?" He shook his head, unsure of what she had planned, when he saw her taking a couple of clothes. "I'll be right back."

True to her words she was back within a minute, now wearing one of his shirts and a pair of boxer shorts.

"Which side is yours?" She asked with a smile. He pointed to the side near the door, not that he had slept much in this bed. Climbing in, Liz patted the mattress next to her. "Are you gonna make me ask again?"

Finally he moved and laid down next to her, turning onto his side to look at her.

"What?"

He bit the inside of his cheek and tried to take a calming breath, but his eyes filled with new tears. "Lizzie..."

"God, I'm so sorry," she whispered. She took his hand and placed it on her chest. "Do you feel that?" He nodded, her beating heart calming him slightly. "I'm fine. I'm still here. I promise you, we will talk. Let's just get some rest. You're tired and I'm dead on my feet." He flinched heavily at her choice of words. "I'm sorry. I didn't... I didn't think."

"Can I..." He started, but broke off.

"What?"

"Can I hold you?"

Getting comfortable, she opened her arms, inviting him to come closer. He didn't waste a second and wrapped her in a tight embrace. Liz pulled his head down to rest on her chest, so he could feel and hear her heart beating.

"Okay?"

"I missed you. I missed you so much."

Swallowing a sob, she pressed her lips to his head. "I missed you, too. Get some sleep now. I'll be here when you wake up."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

He woke due to movement underneath him and instinctively tightened his grip. "Lizzie?"

"It's okay. Go back to sleep."

"Where are you going?" He asked, his heart racing.

"I was just going go to the bathroom."

"Oh."

"I have to pee." He nodded. "Raymond?"

His head snapped up at the use of his first name. "Mhm?"

"I need to pee. You need to let go."

"Oh." He felt like an idiot and instantly let go.

"I'll be right back."

When she slipped back into bed, she pushed him onto his back and snuggled into his side, her head now on his chest. "My turn."

"Lizzie..."

"Raymond."

"I don't understand."

She peered up at him. "I know. We'll talk soon, I promise." Stretching her neck, she placed a chaste kiss at the corner of his mouth, shocking both of them. "I'm sorry, I -"

He interrupted her with a warm palm against her cheek. "Do it again?"

Her lips parted involuntarily and her pupils dilated at his words. She raised herself up slightly, one hand resting on his broad chest. Leaning in, she gently pressed her mouth to his, kissing him the way she had wanted to for a long time. He was responding to her sweet assault, better than he had when they were talking.

She took his bottom lip between hers and sucked it into her mouth, before allowing his tongue to slip in and tangle with hers. He was moaning softly, his hands roaming her body, unable to decide where to touch first.

She sat up, their lips coming apart with a wet noise. He was about to protest, when she settled her weight onto his lower half, earning herself a groan. She waited until he was looking at her and then stripped off the shirt she was wearing, exposing her silky skin to his hungry eyes.

"Lizzie," he growled.

She took his hand and put it to her breast and that was all it took. He quickly leaned up, both arms winding around her waist as his mouth closed over her milky flesh, making her squirm in his lap.

He gently lowered her onto the mattress, his mouth never leaving her skin. Together they managed to take off their clothes and Liz's hand went straight to the new scar on his stomach. That one hadn't been there before, she was sure of it.

"Raymond?"

"Later," he promised, placing his lips against hers.

They made sweet and gentle love, their emotions pouring into every touch, every kiss, every move of their hips. He knew he wouldn't last long. He hadn't had any relief in over three months, but he had a feeling that she wouldn't be so far from the edge either.

She came clutching at his neck, sweet whimpers leaving her lips, while he cried out her name. They stayed still for a long while, trading soft kisses, and he occasionally nuzzled his nose against her face, breathing in her scent.

When he pulled out at last, both shuddered at the feeling. He laid down next to her and pulled her close again.

He couldn't believe what was happening. Not even a day ago he had thought she was dead and now they had made love like it was the most natural thing in their lives.

"Lizzie."

"Don't tell me you're regretting this already," she said in a tight voice.

"What? No! No, never." He kissed her gently to reassure her. "I'm just... I... What happened?"

She relaxed slightly and snuggled closer, placing her lips against his chest and nuzzling his chest hair. "Later? I could use some more sleep."

"Okay," he agreed. Fair was fair. "Just... What you said..."

"When?"

"Before... Before you... Passed out," he said at least and it looked like he was hurting.

"What did I say?"

"You said my name and..."

Realization flooded her and she blushed. "Oh... I..."

"When you said that... I just..." He took a deep breath. Never had he been that nervous before. "Elizabeth. I love you." She gave a whole body shudder. "I need you to know that."

She pressed their lips together fiercely then. "Oh, Raymond."

"I realize that the situation was different and you wanted to get certain things off your chest, but... I want you to know that I've felt like this for a long time."

Wiping the back of her hand over her eyes, she gave him a dazzling smile. "Raymond. I do love you." She finally finished.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

They were kissing softly, fingers running over the other's body. Learning, teasing, loving. Red felt as if his heart was becoming alive again, as if she was beating life into it, beating love into it. It was incredible, he still couldn't fully grasp it.

When they finally pulled apart, it was so she could wipe tears from his face. He hadn't even noticed he was crying again.

"It's alright," she soothed softly.

"When I... When I saw you lying there..." It felt as if he had just swallowed a glass of rusty nails, he could barely manage to get the words to leave his mouth.

"Shh..." She gently kissed one of his furrowed brows.

"Do you remember that story I told you? About the Mexican tetra?"

"The ugly fish?"

So she did listen to him. "Yes. You've made me less hideous..." He swallowed hard. "And... And when you d-died... I... My ray of light was taken from me and I thought that I'd be living in a dark cave for the rest of my miserable life." A strangled sob escaped his mouth and he closed his eyes tightly.

Never had she understood the meaning of unconditional love more than in that exact moment. His words tore at her heart strings though. This man wasn't just Raymond Reddington: Ruthless criminal. He was a vulnerable man underneath all those layers. A vulnerable, hurting man, with the weight of his past trying to pull him down. Here he was, baring his soul to her, trying to make her understand while dealing with his own feelings. Here was her man telling her how much he loved her. Her man. Raymond was her man now.

She gently cupped his face and kissed his slightly parted lips. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

He sniffled and pushed his face further into her touch. "Nothing is worse than losing you." Liz pulled herself closer, enjoying the feel of his skin against hers. "And now you're here. You're alive. And I get to touch you, kiss you."

"And I'm not even belting you one," she whispered, trying to lighten the mood.

"Lizzie..."

"I know, Raymond," she replied. "I know. Can we just stay like this for a little longer?"

He nodded and pulled the blankets further up so she wouldn't be cold, before kissing her head, his lips lingering. "Anything you want."

"I want you to sleep with me."

He chuckled, his heart lighter than it had been in long, dark months. "I believe we did that just a few minutes ago." He still couldn't believe his luck.

The slight stinging sensation at his side told him that she had pinched him for his smug words. "I meant sleep sleep."

"Mhm..." He murmured, tripping his finger tips up and down her arm. "Can I get another kiss before that?"

Her head turned and he looked into her smiling face, pursing her lips and angling up her chin.

His heart skipped a beat as he leaned down and brushed his mouth against hers. "I love you," he breathed against her lips.

They kissed leisurely for long moments, with each passing second, unbeknownst to her, his heart was pieced together more and more.

"I love you, too," she said when they pulled away eventually and then put her head back on his chest, her fingers playing with the hair there.

 **LizzingtonLizzzingtonLizzington**

Red walked down the few steps of the porch towards where Lizzie was standing, looking out at the ocean. It was sunny and warm and she was wearing a thin, bright yellow summer dress.

"Sweetheart, I brought some refreshments."

She turned towards him, her eyes filling with tears, before they suddenly turned black, blood trailing down her cheeks. The sky darkened until there was nothing but blackness.

"You killed me."

"No..." He breathed out, too shocked to move.

The dress was slowly turning red. More blood, he realized, it was soaking the fabric.

"Lizzie!"

"You killed me. My blood is on your hands! You're a murderer. A monster!"

"No, please. Please, Lizzie."

"Why did you have to kill me?" She sobbed, her anger turning into sadness. "My baby, Tom. You took it all away. Why couldn't you let me be happy?"

He was crying too now. "Sweetheart, please, I'm sorry! I didn't… I wasn't, please don't go."

"I love Tom. He's the father of my child. I wanted to marry him, have a family. That's why you killed me; you couldn't stand losing me to a better man!"

"Lizzie..."

"You're nothing but a murderer. I hate you!"

"No!" Red screamed, desperately trying to drown out her anger and the roaring of the waves, as he watched her walk away from him again.

"Raymond! You need to wake up. Raymond!" He sat up with a start, a cry tearing from his throat. "Are you with me now?"

He startled at the question and turned his wide eyes towards where the voice was coming from. "Lizzie..."

She looked normal, a little on edge, but at least there was no blood anywhere. "Are you with me now?"

"Oh, Lizzie." He threw his arms around her, holding her tightly.

"It's okay. It was just a dream. It's okay." He was trying, he really was, but in the end his tears were flowing freely, catching against her chest, but she didn't seem to mind, as she made soothing noises. "You're okay now. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm gonna..." He pulled back suddenly, throwing the blankets off his body and almost falling out of the bed, as he hastily made his way to the adjoining bathroom.

From where she was still lying in bed, she could hear horrible retching noises, as he threw up. He hadn't eaten in a while, so it was probably nothing but gastric acid.

She stood from the bed and made her way towards the open door, seeing him kneeling in front of the porcelain bowl, clutching it tightly. Liz filled a glass with water and wordlessly handed it to him, before taking what she assumed as his toothbrush and preparing it for use.

Handing it to him, she watched him flop against the side of the tub. He was sweaty, his face flushed and wet with tears. She took a washcloth and held it under the cold spray of the faucet and then sat down next to him, gently running the cloth over the back of his neck, staying silent otherwise. He had finished brushing his teeth and after he had spat the tooth paste into the toilet, she took both items from his hand, replacing the toothbrush and re-filling the glass with water.

They were both naked, sitting on the floor tiles; making Liz shiver from the cold. She moved closer to him, both to reassure him and warm their bodies. Kissing his shoulder, she leaned her forehead against him, only to feel him shaking.

"Shower?" She asked quietly, the fingers of one hand wound around his biceps, while the other was moving the wet cloth over his neck and shoulders. He nodded slowly and let her help him up.

Liz turned on the water, before pulling him with her. She positioned him first under the warm water and wrapped her arms around him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered brokenly.

She shook her head and placed a kiss above his heart. "Are you feeling better now?"

His own arms came around her and he sighed into her neck, breathing in her scent.

"I lost you."

"You'll never lose me."

"There was so much blood."

"Shh... It was just a dream. I'm okay. We're okay." She pulled back so he could look at her. "See? I'm right here?"

He pressed his lips to hers in a hard kiss, desperate to feel her against him and she responded in kind, running her finger tips over the expand of scars on his back, before pressing her own scar to his. His tongue pushed into her mouth to taste her as he turned them, so he could press her against the shower wall.

A gasp left her at the sudden cold and she pressed herself against him for warmth. His hands were everywhere at once, touching every part of her he could reach. Leaning down, he grasped her thigh and put it over his waist, so he could settle between her legs. He needed her, needed to feel her, to be a part of her. She knew and she needed it too. Needed to do anything and everything to show him that she was alright and that she was right here with him, loving him.

Though at first he had been desperate to quickly move his lower body against hers, he had slowed down and gentled his thrusts when he felt her squeezing around him.

"Raymond," she moaned into his ear, when she climaxed, taking him with her.

He kept repeating himself, as he came deep inside her, kept saying that one phrase. 'I love you. I love you. I love you.'

They held onto each other until the water started to cool and then made their way out of the shower on shaky legs. He towel dried her as if she was the most precious artifact,as she smiled softly at him.

Once back in the bedroom, Liz went to work and quickly stripped off the sweaty linens before finding fresh ones. She slipped back under the blankets and patted the mattress.

"I really don't think that's a good idea," he croaked, his voice hoarse.

"Just lie down with me. We don't have to sleep."

He followed her instructions obediently and put his hand on her waist. She was worriedly nibbling on her bottom lip, a slight frown on her face.

"I'm sorry, I scared you."

She shook her head and stroked a hand up his forearm. "No, I'm sorry. I'm the one causing you to have them."

"I'd rather have these nightmares and wake up, than live them."

Cupping his face in her palms, she kissed him softly. "What can I do to keep them away?"

He chuckled a little. She was too cute. "I'm not sure there's a cure against nightmares."

"Have you had any others?"

"Not lately." She was still gnawing on her lip. "Sweetheart, there's really nothing you can do. It's alright. I just hope I didn't scare you too much."

"I'm a little afraid… afraid for you." She thought for a moment. "I'll have to hold you extra tightly then, to keep these nightmares away."

"You won't hear me complain," he replied and kisses her forehead. "Thank you for being here with me."

She pecked his mouth then. "Well, you'd better get used to it because I'm not going anywhere."

He smiled at that. "I love you," he told her and then covered her lips with his.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** So, this is the second to last chapter and I really hope you won't hate me for it.

 **Chapter 6**

They stayed in bed, cuddled together and talking about nothing in general, until the sun came up. Dressing themselves proved a little more difficult, as Red kept complaining that they should just stay in bed so they could be naked and dirty. She had slapped his grabby hands away and chastised him, telling him that it was time for him to start moving his butt again.

With a little more grumbling and encouraging kisses, the pair made their way downstairs and into the kitchen, where they found Dembe and Mr. Kaplan.

"I'm surprised to see you up," the latter said.

"Well, I'm hungry," Liz announced. "And I think this one needs to be fed also." She poked Red into his stomach.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea. My diet has been a little on the liquid side lately."

"My point exactly. You're going to eat some actual food today."

Dembe couldn't keep the smile off his face. "There is scrambled eggs and bacon over there, some bagels at the toaster and the coffee is fresh."

"Smells delicious. Thank you!" She quickly found two sets of plates and began assembling food, while Red just stood there, feeling slightly useless. "You know, you could start pouring some coffee," she told him with a wink.

He mentally shook himself and started moving, preparing her coffee just to her liking, fetching some orange juice as well. He put the mugs and cups on the table, opposite his two friends, and turned to see Liz walking towards them.

"Sit," she told him and placed the food in front of him as he obeyed. Placing a kiss to his head, she sat down next to him and squeezed his thigh.

There was comfortable small talk, while Red tried his hardest getting the food down and actually keeping it there. But Liz's encouraging smiles and touches helped a lot.

"I take it you haven't talked yet?" Kaplan asked afterwards.

Liz shook her head. "Not yet."

"You should."

Red kept looking from one to the other, not liking that he was obviously missing something. "Lizzie."

"Don't get mad, okay?" She turned a little towards him. "With Agnes coming into this world, things were becoming way more complicated, more dangerous for her and for me. Kate knew that, and that there were limited options."

Red's eyes switched towards the older woman. "You knew," he said, his tone accusing. "You knew! You even staged this! How could you do this to me?!" He pushed his chair back with a screech and stood, his form hovering dangerously over her, before glancing at Dembe. "Were you in on this too?! Did you all have a nice laugh at my expense?"

"Dembe wasn't made aware of it," Kaplan defended him immediately.

"You knew!" He spat at Kate. "How could you do this?! You know what she means to me!"

"Red," Liz tried, seeing how flustered he was getting.

"You made me believe she was dead! That I was responsible for her death! For months! For months you kept the pretense up! How could you do this?!"

"I'm sorry to say that, but your feelings didn't matter."

He huffed sarcastically. "You don't say."

"Nothing mattered but keeping Elizabeth and Agnes safe," Kaplan spoke steadily, as if the furious figure of Red wasn't hovering over her, seething at the betrayal. "People know what she means to you, Raymond. They would only believe this was true if you were really grieving. It was the only way to keep them both safe."

"You betrayed me," he said, even though his voice was now lacking the force. "You should have told me."

"Red, sit down," Liz tried again, but he was still seething with anger. "Raymond!" Finally he turned towards her, hurt visible in his eyes.

"Did you know?" It would break him if she told him yes.

"I didn't. Not until I woke up again," she said. Seeing how he wouldn't sit, she stood and went towards him, standing as close to him as she dared. "It was the right decision."

The corner of his mouth pulled up in disdain. "Three months. I thought I was responsible for your death for three months!"

"I know," she said softly. "I wish it hadn't come to that, but it was the right decision. Solomon is dead now, everyone is dead. And Agnes and I are not. Kate did the right thing."

"I deserved to know!" Tears were pooling in his eyes.

"While I regret how long it took, how long you had to think like that, it had to be done. Don't blame Kate. She had my approval as soon as I woke up. If anyone, you should blame me."

He shivered as the first tear started running down his face. She knew she was right, but he was hurting, had been hurting for so long.

"Raymond," she said softly, holding out her hand.

The use of his first name made him move towards her, burying his face in the crook of her neck, as his arms closed around her. "Lizzie..."

"Don't be mad. Please."

He breathed in her scent, relished in her warm touch as he tried calming his heart.

"Agnes is due to arrive in about fifteen minutes," Kate informed softly.

"I can't wait." Liz smiled over Red's shoulder, then slowly pulled away to rid his face of any tears. "Okay?" He nodded slowly and she moved in for a sweet kiss. "I'm sorry." He squeezed her for another moment and then leaned in for one more kiss.

"Kate," he started, but she interrupted him with a move of her hand, standing up to envelop him in a tight hug.

"I would have told you if it were at all possible, Raymond."

"I know." He kissed her cheek. "Thank you for keeping them safe, when I couldn't."

"I promised you, after all."

He nodded and squeezed her hands and then moved towards Dembe, who stood immediately, and embraced him also. "I am sorry, Dembe."

"It is alright, my brother. I understand your despair." The two smiled at each other and then Red kissed his cheek.

"Shall Dembe set up everything since your daughter will arrive shortly?" Kate asked, figuring the couple needed a few moments to themselves.

"Yes, please," Liz answered. "That would be great. Thank you so much."

Soon enough Red and Liz were standing alone in the dining room.

"Have you seen her?" She asked with an excited grin.

Red nodded. "Once. After... When I..." It still hurt to think about it.

"She's grown so much already!" She walked up to the older man and took his hands in hers. "Raymond?"

How much he loved his name coming from her sweet mouth. "Lizzie?"

"She needs a father."

His heart clenched. Of course she wanted her child to have a father. "Oh... is Tom arriving also? Should I -"

"Don't be ridiculous!" She interrupted. "Tom left. He left my child behind, when he heard I was no longer around. He doesn't know I'm alive and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Okay..." So, if that man wasn't supposed to father her child, then -

"So?"

His heart started banging furiously in his chest. "So?"

She laughed, slightly nervous herself now. "Will you be the father of my child?"

His breath was knocked from his lungs at her words and she was in his arms before she could blink. "Oh, Elizabeth..."

She hugged him back. "I know you'll love and protect her. Both of us."

He nodded. "I loved her the second I laid eyes on her."

Liz smiled knowingly. "So, will you?"

"Yes," he breathed out. "Yes, Lizzie. I'd love nothing more."

She pulled his mouth down to hers and showed him how much she appreciated him, loved him, just before the bell rang and they pulled apart.

"Our daughter is here."

Red shivered at her words. "I love you, Lizzie. I promise you I will always do everything and anything to keep you both safe".

"I know. And I love you, too. Come on. She's rather impatient, for a baby."

"Like her mother," Red said with a grin, as he followed behind her.

"Funny," she threw over her shoulder, as she opened the door to reveal one of Kaplan's associates with a small bundle in her arms. "Hi, baby," Liz cooed, immediately taking the child in her arms and cradling her close. "I'm sorry we kept you waiting. There was a lot to discuss," she said as if the child could understand. "Wanna see daddy?"

He had to fight hard to stop himself from sobbing out loud at the scene before still had a reputation somewhere, but couldn't stop himself from tearing up.

"Would you like to hold your daughter?" She asked him and he could only nod, as he placed her into his awaiting arms.

The sleepy child looked up at him as though she recognized him immediately and Red gave her his finger to grab onto, much like he had when he had first met her. "Hello baby girl," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

Liz took her place at his side, leaning against him, as they peered down at their child.

"Thank you, Lizzie," he spoke softly. "Thank you so much." Her only response was a kiss to his welcoming lips.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** Here it is, the final chapter. Thank you for the encouragement and support. Special thanks to my mate and beta, greeneyesandgoldenlashes.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own a thing.

 **Epilog**

"Agnes, give me that. I told you that you're not supposed to just take your brother's toys."

"But Daddy said I could!" The girl complained and stomped her foot.

She switched the crying boy to her other hip and juggled him up and down. "I don't believe that's true." Both females looked at each other for a long moment.

"Daddy!"

"Raymond!"

They both yelled at the same time.

A moment later Red peered around the corner, rather sure it wasn't anything good if both his girls were screaming his name.

"…Yes?" He asked carefully.

"Did you tell her she could take Sammy's toys away?"

He smiled at his little firecracker and moved from around the corner, kissing his beautiful girl's forehead. "I believe I said you could play _with_ him, mhm?" He checked four year old Agnes under the chin.

"But he only takes them into his mouth! It's yucky!"

Red chuckled and stroked over her brown hair. "He's a baby, princess." Then he walked towards where Liz was standing, taking the crying kid from her arms. "There's no reason for tears, baby boy. It's alright now." He cuddled his son close and then blew bubbles against his neck, making him squirm and giggle, tears forgotten immediately. "There you go!" He grinned.

"Me too, Daddy!" Agnes exclaimed, jumping up and down.

"You too?" He bent down and picked her up with his free arm, her little hands going around his neck. Then, with his nose, he pushed her curly hair away and blew bubbles on her skin as well, both kids giggling with joy.

"And what about me?" Liz asked, a big smile on her face, as she watched her family.

Red grinned at her. He'd gladly put his mouth to her body all night long, but it surely wouldn't be for kid's eyes. "Well, come here then."

She stepped up to them and hooked her fingers in his belt loop, before angling her chin up. Leaning in, he gently kissed her lips, slowly deepening it, as he lost himself in her touch.

"Ewwww!" Agnes exclaimed and both adults pulled away with a chuckle. "That's yucky."

"There's nothing yucky about kissing," Red said. "Not that you'll ever kiss a boy. Ever." He was very protective of his children.

Agnes' eyes grew. "Daddy! Why would I kiss a boy?! They have cooties!"

He chuckled and hugged her closer. "They do! All of them!" He kissed her rosy cheek and gently put her down. "Now, will you go play with your brother?"

She sighed, as if her life was too hard. "But only if he stops slobbering on everything."

"I'm sure he'll be good for his favorite sister."

"I'm his only sister, silly!" She was way too smart for her age.

Tucking some her behind her ear, he stroked over her cheek. "You're a good girl."

"I know." She huffed. "Come on, Sammy."

Red kissed his son's chubby cheek and lowered him onto the floor. The little boy started crawling after his sister like an obedient puppy, eager to play.

He grabbed Liz around the waist and kissed her soundly. "And what are we going to play now, Mrs. Reddington?

"Well, I know what I want to play with, but that'll have to wait until the kids are sleeping," she said, teasing the waistband of his trousers.

Red hummed low in his throat and kissed her again. "Thank you, Lizzie."

She looked confused for a moment. "For what?"

"For giving me a second chance."

Breaking into a big smile, she hugged him close. "You always said we'd make a great team."


End file.
